Today really wasnt that horrible of a day, but for some reason I left work at 7 pm and promptly felt like my day sucked ass, to put it best. So, instead of trying to convince myself that it really wasnt that bad and that I was just more sensitive than usual, I've decided to write about it, whilst sipping on a glass of Riesling.
Today started at as most normal performance week days. I woke up at 945 and got ready for work. I felt that today was going to be a normal day...I was slightly tired, slightly sore, my lower back was bothering me(this isnt totally normal, but something that Im also kind of used to), and I was rushing to get out of the door on time...even though I dont have an actual time that I am supposed to leave. I just tell myself that I need to leave earlier than I am leaving every day.
I set off on my normal 20 minute walk to work and enjoyed listening to LA's Kiss FM on my IPhone's I Heart Radio application. I made it to work fine, even though I scolded myself for not arriving earlier. Oh well...normal stuff.
Finally, the true start to my day. The moment where I feel that I truly wake up every day. Company class. Peter, our boss, taught, and I was trying to mentally prepare myself for taking class with back pain. I have to take class differently when my back hurts because it can be so sensitive. I hate it when my back is sore because I feel like half the dancer that I actually am. I cant lift my legs as high as they go, I cant stay square, my turns suffer, and a lot more. Peter's class is often extremely fast. Not as in the combinations pass quickly, as in he makes us do our typical combinations at lightening fast speeds. This really hurts my back if it is already sore, so I often have to change the combinations at barre to avoid going completely out (in other words, being put on the injured list). So, class is going fine...Im dealing well. And we get to center. Peter decides to give us a lecture at the beginning of our center exercises. He tells us how it is pertinent that we do every combination that he gives us, as he gives it, in order to have the longest career as possible. He used himself as an example of career longevity and essentially shut everybody off for the rest of class. I was pretty upset by his comment. I think that everybodys body is quite different. His is suited well for ballet and can handle whatever harsh demands he asked of it. I on the other hand, have a very sensitive back. If I do too much or force something, I will shorten my career. He said that he knows best and that our "young" bodies can handle it, but I feel that this isnt true. Also, we had discussed recently how many of our classes have, well, sucked lately. And I feel that the point was completely missed. This was a bad tone to set my day.
After class, we had our second day of stage rehearsals, in preparation for the opening of our AWESOME Broadway program on Thursday (I do actually think this is a GREAT program...come see it). We started with Slaughter on Tenth Avenue. This rehearsal was rather normal. Following that was Carousel. I felt like there was tension in the air during this rehearsal. It may be that my focus was slightly disturbed because I had to, yet again let the artistic staff know that my back was hurting. I dont want to be judged and Im tired of telling them that my back hurts. I used to be the guy that was always sick. Now, Im not that...Im the guy that always has a sore back and cant do all of the lifts in rehearsal. I figured out a big part of why I am having back problems. This is no offense to any of my dearest colleagues, but I am often partnered with girls that are TOO big for me. By big, I mean, tall. Pacific Northwest Ballet is known as a company of tall dancers. The oddity of it all is that we really only have a few tall principal men, a lot of taller female dancers, and a surplus of average sized men. Since I am one of the taller men that are not tall and I am a strong partner (say what you want), I often get partnered with the tallest girls in the pieces. I think because I am dancing with girls that are not the right size for me, I end up overusing my back to execute the partnering steps. So far this season, my back has only bothered me during the programs where I am dancing with taller girls. For instance, I danced with the tallest girl in the corps during the Twyla rep, I danced with one of the tallest principal female in the world in the New Works rep, and now, in Carousel, I am dancing with somebody who is too big for me. Its frustrating because I have honestly enjoyed dancing with everybody that Ive been dancing with, but I feel like Im being looked down upon for my back problems when in any other company, nobody my size would be partnered with people of the heights that Im being partnered with.
Ok, now that I got that frustration out of the way, I can move on. So, after Carousel, we had lunch. We have many people coming in to assist us in putting on the ballets that we are performing in this program. During lunch, one decided to start hunting everyone and anybody down that she could give notes to. Being our companies union rep, I am supposed to prevent these situations from happening. Wait...let me rephrase. It is the managements job to make sure this doesnt happen and it is my job to make sure that the management is enforcing this. So, since there was no management around, I was forced to step in and stop notes from being given. I dont like this aspect of my job because it can put uncomfortable stresses upon me. Either I dont say anything and ignore my job, or I say something and have the possibility that this person is angered by me and writes me off for any potential future meetings (the ballet world is small). Lunch ends and rehearsal begins for Take 5.
Now, this is where things go horribly downhill. I have been eagerly rehearsing for this Susan Stroman ballet. I was in the rehearsals when this piece was created, told I wouldnt perform it because there wasnt time and that I would have the opportunity to perform it when it came back this year. Well, from the start this season, I was told that I was not going to perform it. With all of this said, I have been rehearsing like I am performing it, and have even performed the piece in open rehearsal. Now that it is performance week, it is typical to ignore anybody but performing casts. For some odd reason, we are rehearsing this piece. I think it is good and bad. Its good to get the rehearsal time to improve, but at the same time...I feel like utter shit that Im not being allowed to perform some featured parts, while others who have spent much less time get opportunities, seemingly by default. First, when can I be the default boy (it always seems when I am, that things are changed), and second, why cant management go out of their way to put me in, when they seem to do so for others? Anyway, so I rehearsed, not doing a lot of lifts because of my back. Then, I dont feel like Im performing well, with a couple of mistakes. This is followed by a moment where one of the dancers is moved across 6 dancers while they lay on the floor, conveyor belt style. We have done this no problem before...but when it happens today, as she is being moved towards me, her body pitches backwards and I try to save it, but my elbow gives out...slams into the floor, and we drop the girl being conveyored (not a word) across. I was really upset because there was nothing I could do about it and Im sure it scared the dancer. After all of this mayhem, I wasnt appeased with myself, I wasnt appeased with how I looked, and I was annoyed that the 2 or 3 of us that werent performing the piece were ignored when it came to notes.
Finally, we had rehearsal for West Side Story Suite. This was ok, but tensions get really high in this piece because there are soooo many people involved. I didnt mind that though. When we got to our last 5 minutes break of the day. Another person who is in town to help set the ballet walked up to me and said, "I know management is going to kill me, but I have to give you a note on your 5 minute break." I responded "actually, that is against rules and you will have to wait until we are back from the 5." I just dont fucking understand! The two people that did this today have been around AGMA companies for ages. WHY THE FUCK CANT YOU FOLLOW THE FUCKING RULES! Im tired of people trying to bend the rules, break the rules, slide around the rules. I know its my job and I get paid to do it...and I really enjoy helping my fellow dancers, but sometimes I get so sick and tired of plain defiance of our rules. If this is what its like in the small ballet world, Im afraid what it is like in politics. Anyway, that was the straw that broke the camels back and I was pretty much done from there.
After my day finished, I was lucky enough to have good friends to walk home with to take my mind off of the day and a great BF to come home to. Im sure that tomorrow will be a better day and that Im just having my man-period or something. Im dont icing my back now and halfway done my glass of wine. It's 11 pm and Frasier is sounding good. So...Im out!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
My internet patterns
I dont know if Im the only one that does this, but I have started to notice that I have a strict pattern for my time on the internet. Every morning, I wake up and check the same websites, with little variation. It is always, wake up, bathroom, yahoo email, hotmail email, ballettalk (yeah, yeah, yeah...Im a fucking bunhead), and facebook. I dont know why, but I feel like I am checking the mail and reading the newspaper. It is almost like I have replaced the typical morning coffee and newspaper with a more electronic version of the same (though I am usually drinking gatorade because I am so dehydrated from work the night before).
My post-work pattern of internetting is similar to my morning pattern, but it differs because I have more time after work, than I do before work. I get up with no more than 30 minutes to wake up, eat breakfast, get ready, and get to work. When I return from work, I need to unwind. So, I check my yahoo email(again), hotmail, aol email, ballettalk, critical dance (still bunheady), myspace (even though Ive given up on myspace), facebook, and Evite (if I have a current evite, which is more often than not). So, I check these, but if I have any more time, I find myself bored and unable to think of anything else to check on the web.
I used to have a large array of websites that I checked, but then I got a dramatic relationship, followed by a period of dating and partying, followed by a stable live-in relationship. These things seem to have taken over a lot of my time, which isnt a bad thing. Maybe, I matured a bit and got over a lot of the things I used to look at. I dont know. But, when Im bored sitting at home. I dont have any websites to check. Does anybody have any suggestions?
I even have trouble remembering what I used to do online. I find that if I need to waste time Youtube is good. I used to really be into this online game called Alien Adoption Agency. I still check that game here and there, but its more or less just to keep in touch with a few virtual friends (I know, I know...ridiculously dorky and nerdy). I used to go on all of these websites that were either shockwave movies or comedic videos, but I cant even remember what the sites were. One was Happy Tree Friends, but then they changed their format and it became lame. After that, I checked out another site with 30 second summaries of movies performed by bunnies. That was amusing, too, but they werent able to churn them out fast enough to keep my interest. Albino Black Sheep was also a favorite of mine for a long time. This was probably one of the first websites that started the viral video craze. I had a huge array of websites like this that I cant even remember anymore. The thing is that I dont even feel motivated to check out these websites anymore. I think it may be a maturity thing.
So, here's the dilemma. After I am done with my internet pattern and I have time to kill. What are some interesting websites to read/enjoy? I like games that are fun, like Jay is games. I think I need to expand my interests though...maybe like reading a blog of someone that I find interesting. Suggestions, Suggestions. Im curious what other people find interesting. Help me out.
My post-work pattern of internetting is similar to my morning pattern, but it differs because I have more time after work, than I do before work. I get up with no more than 30 minutes to wake up, eat breakfast, get ready, and get to work. When I return from work, I need to unwind. So, I check my yahoo email(again), hotmail, aol email, ballettalk, critical dance (still bunheady), myspace (even though Ive given up on myspace), facebook, and Evite (if I have a current evite, which is more often than not). So, I check these, but if I have any more time, I find myself bored and unable to think of anything else to check on the web.
I used to have a large array of websites that I checked, but then I got a dramatic relationship, followed by a period of dating and partying, followed by a stable live-in relationship. These things seem to have taken over a lot of my time, which isnt a bad thing. Maybe, I matured a bit and got over a lot of the things I used to look at. I dont know. But, when Im bored sitting at home. I dont have any websites to check. Does anybody have any suggestions?
I even have trouble remembering what I used to do online. I find that if I need to waste time Youtube is good. I used to really be into this online game called Alien Adoption Agency. I still check that game here and there, but its more or less just to keep in touch with a few virtual friends (I know, I know...ridiculously dorky and nerdy). I used to go on all of these websites that were either shockwave movies or comedic videos, but I cant even remember what the sites were. One was Happy Tree Friends, but then they changed their format and it became lame. After that, I checked out another site with 30 second summaries of movies performed by bunnies. That was amusing, too, but they werent able to churn them out fast enough to keep my interest. Albino Black Sheep was also a favorite of mine for a long time. This was probably one of the first websites that started the viral video craze. I had a huge array of websites like this that I cant even remember anymore. The thing is that I dont even feel motivated to check out these websites anymore. I think it may be a maturity thing.
So, here's the dilemma. After I am done with my internet pattern and I have time to kill. What are some interesting websites to read/enjoy? I like games that are fun, like Jay is games. I think I need to expand my interests though...maybe like reading a blog of someone that I find interesting. Suggestions, Suggestions. Im curious what other people find interesting. Help me out.
Monday, March 2, 2009
The problem with wanting to be the best...
I feel that Im slowly confronting a realization that I dont really want to come close to. Throughout my life, I have always been an overachiever. I want to be the best at everything I do (well almost everything). And as the years go on, I have come to realize that I am not always going to be the best. Chances are that I wont be the worst, but Im also not necessarily going to be at the top. The problem with this realization is that it causes to many other issues to come up.
So, I want to be the best dancer. That clearly isnt going to happen. Nobody is really the best dancer. So, since I realized that, I decided that I wanted to be the best dancer in a large company in the US. So, I got a job with one of the best companies in the country, PNB, and that didnt work out exactly like I wanted it to. I spent my first 2 years pretty ill. There was a change in directorship and I didnt find my way until recently. I havent really moved up a whole lot, but Ive moved up respectwise, which is nice. Its just that I havent fulfilled what I would like to do with my career. So, what happens I audition for other companies, but of course, we are hit by recessions and bad timing and unsure feelings about leaving the stability of a company like PNB. So, for now, I know I cant be the best dancer where I am. Im inhibited by my facility, as well as a modest amount of roles that would let me grow into the dancer that I envisioned myself to be. So, with these problems...what is a boy to do?
With all of this said, I want to be the best at other aspects of my life. I have just started choreographing. I want to be the best choreographer. Yeah, Im relatively new, but I think that this may be a path that I can go down. I was just watching some videos on Youtube and was interested by what I saw. Although, I feel that I have a long way to go, I felt inspired. I think what I am having right now is a problem recognizing what Im trying to get across. I felt inspired, but at the same time, I felt pigeon-holed and scared. Where am I going? That is the question that has crossed my mind. So, what does this mean?
Im pretty sure what emotion I am really trying to get across in this scattered blog is that....Im scared. I havent fulfilled my dreams with ballet. Yeah, Im 25, but how much more time do I have in me? Will I be fulfilled making an awesome living, dancing in the corps...maybe even doing shit like "Court Populace" in Swan Lake with a lot of newer dancers that are younger than me? I can be the experienced one. Is that exciting enough and rewarding enough for me? Can I move on to another company and dance great roles and get great recognition? Or, will the economy hold me back...and by the time that the economy gets better and I feel stable enough financially to go somewhere else, will I be too old? What about choreography? Am I good enough to choreograph outside of dolly dinkle schools and workshops. Will I get to work with amazing dancers in amazing places with amazing companies? Could I be an artistic director for a company? How about a ballet master (even though I suck at retention and counting)? Will any of these lifestyles let me travel the world like I want to? Have I given up on myself and am I settling for something even though its not what I really want? When I retire, should I go to college and go into a completely different field(even though I dont want to) or should I keep doing dance related things? Will I get to travel the world? Can I afford to? What if I want to become a modern dancer? Would my life be as interesting as it is if I wasnt a dancer? Will people appreciate me when Im unable to dance anymore? I know I cant dance forever, but how long can I dance? Am I making a difference?
Well, I could go on asking a million questions. But, the list would probably never end. Im fearful. Thats what I am. And I think the thing that Im most fearful about is that when I look back on my life, will I feel unfulfilled with what Ive done...because life sure hasnt taken the paths that I dreamed up in my head. Maybe, Im lucky to have fulfilled so many dreams that I had, but Im feeling selfish right now. I want to fulfill each and every dream I have. Now, only...how to make that happen when it is not within my own power...
So, I want to be the best dancer. That clearly isnt going to happen. Nobody is really the best dancer. So, since I realized that, I decided that I wanted to be the best dancer in a large company in the US. So, I got a job with one of the best companies in the country, PNB, and that didnt work out exactly like I wanted it to. I spent my first 2 years pretty ill. There was a change in directorship and I didnt find my way until recently. I havent really moved up a whole lot, but Ive moved up respectwise, which is nice. Its just that I havent fulfilled what I would like to do with my career. So, what happens I audition for other companies, but of course, we are hit by recessions and bad timing and unsure feelings about leaving the stability of a company like PNB. So, for now, I know I cant be the best dancer where I am. Im inhibited by my facility, as well as a modest amount of roles that would let me grow into the dancer that I envisioned myself to be. So, with these problems...what is a boy to do?
With all of this said, I want to be the best at other aspects of my life. I have just started choreographing. I want to be the best choreographer. Yeah, Im relatively new, but I think that this may be a path that I can go down. I was just watching some videos on Youtube and was interested by what I saw. Although, I feel that I have a long way to go, I felt inspired. I think what I am having right now is a problem recognizing what Im trying to get across. I felt inspired, but at the same time, I felt pigeon-holed and scared. Where am I going? That is the question that has crossed my mind. So, what does this mean?
Im pretty sure what emotion I am really trying to get across in this scattered blog is that....Im scared. I havent fulfilled my dreams with ballet. Yeah, Im 25, but how much more time do I have in me? Will I be fulfilled making an awesome living, dancing in the corps...maybe even doing shit like "Court Populace" in Swan Lake with a lot of newer dancers that are younger than me? I can be the experienced one. Is that exciting enough and rewarding enough for me? Can I move on to another company and dance great roles and get great recognition? Or, will the economy hold me back...and by the time that the economy gets better and I feel stable enough financially to go somewhere else, will I be too old? What about choreography? Am I good enough to choreograph outside of dolly dinkle schools and workshops. Will I get to work with amazing dancers in amazing places with amazing companies? Could I be an artistic director for a company? How about a ballet master (even though I suck at retention and counting)? Will any of these lifestyles let me travel the world like I want to? Have I given up on myself and am I settling for something even though its not what I really want? When I retire, should I go to college and go into a completely different field(even though I dont want to) or should I keep doing dance related things? Will I get to travel the world? Can I afford to? What if I want to become a modern dancer? Would my life be as interesting as it is if I wasnt a dancer? Will people appreciate me when Im unable to dance anymore? I know I cant dance forever, but how long can I dance? Am I making a difference?
Well, I could go on asking a million questions. But, the list would probably never end. Im fearful. Thats what I am. And I think the thing that Im most fearful about is that when I look back on my life, will I feel unfulfilled with what Ive done...because life sure hasnt taken the paths that I dreamed up in my head. Maybe, Im lucky to have fulfilled so many dreams that I had, but Im feeling selfish right now. I want to fulfill each and every dream I have. Now, only...how to make that happen when it is not within my own power...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
God Damn 25 Random Things
So, I dont know why, but for some odd reason, I keep getting requests from people for my 25 random things about me. So, I swore that I wouldnt do this because I dont want to put the pressure upon 25 people to read this and return the favor. In order to prevent that, I have decided to put this on here, so that people can read it at their own leisure and just enjoy it. Fuck chain letters (or chain facebook notes). Here we go!
1. I have written 445 blog posts on Myspace.com and received more than 25,000 hits over a two year period of time. Although I have just begun this blog, Im not sure if it will receive as much attention.
2. Up until I was 11, I had 180 degree flexibility. I have a picture of myself in a Karate tournament doing a side kick at 180 degrees. I stopped stretching during puberty and retained absolutely none of that flexibility. SAD!
3. I danced in Philadelphia's, Boscov's, 4th of July Parade two times. This parade was televised in most of the Northeast US on ABC. The first parade, I danced a tap number to "Boogie, Woogie, Bugle Boy." Our teacher didn't want to rechoreograph an old piece, so she made me dance the "girlie" steps and made me wear so much blush and lipstick because she wanted me to look more like a girl, than a boy.
4. When I was in 3rd grade, I was hospitalized 16 times. One time for an infection (in my nether regions) and 15 times for asthma. I missed 36 days of school that year. I have no idea how I ever passed 3rd grade.
5. When I danced with Houston Ballet, I was cast as the "Indian Man" in Stanton Welch's world premiere of "Tales of Texas." Because I am SOOOO ridiculously white, I was actually paid to go to a tanning salon. When that didnt work, I was paid to buy makeup that was specifically catered to Black people. Every show, I spent 45 minutes getting my neck, chest, face, and arms pancaked. When I walked onstage, I was not recognizable to most of my friends.
6. I took Tae Kwon Do for 8 years. Before I quit, I was about to test for my 2nd degree black belt. During my time in Tae Kwon Do, I traveled the competition circuit, went to the junior national olympics and placed 15th out of 60 in the black belt form category, hung out with world champions and famous Korean masters, moved through 3 do jangs (places of study), and got involved in so much politics that it would disgust you. Most of this took place before I was 11.
7. I am named after my mother's brother, who passed away at the young age of 5 of a rare form of Leukemia. I am the only of my siblings without a Jewish name. If I was a girl, my name would have been Rebecca. If I wanted to get closer to my Jewish roots, I could change Barry to it's Hebrew root, Baruch, but that would be too much like copy-catting Barack Obama, formerly known as Barry Obama(from birth to college).
8. I had a minorly obsessive compulsive streak for 3 months in 9th grade. Every morning, I awoke singing the "Oscar Meyer Weiner Song." I have no idea why, but I would sing it out loud all the time. And when I was in classes at school, I would sing it inside my head. One day it finally stopped.
9. I have played the piano since I was 5, I stopped lessons when I was 16. I can still play a few songs well, but have lost a lot of my touch. When I was in 6th grade I took up the xylophone (and anything else mallet percussion related) and joined our school's steel drum band. Towards the end of 6th grade, I picked up the flute and taught myself. I would talk to my friend who had been playing for 3 years on the phone and play for her and ask for advice. I am still extremely proficient at the flute. In 7th grade, I started playing the clarinet. In 8th grade, my band teacher asked me to learn the alto saxophone, which I promptly did in one day. Finally, when I got into high school, I wanted to play flute in concert band. I was promptly told no and given 2nd chair alto saxophone out of 16 players from 9th to 12th grade. I was still so bored that I would sight transcribe flute music while playing the alto sax. I still love music to this day and miss playing in a group and hearing the harmonies that are created.
10. Im aware that I can talk up a storm. When I was really young...think 6 years old... my mom would tell me that if I would shut my mouth for 30 minutes, she would pay me $5. I would promptly run to the microwave, set the timer, sit quietly until the time was up, collect my earnings, and continue where I left off.
11. Ive only gotten one C on my report card in my life. It was 8th grade and I was through with wrestling in gym class. We had done it every year and I hated the pain and awkwardness (is that a word) of the unit. So, everytime gym came around, I would ask my band teacher for a private lesson pass. I would then make my way to the band room and go into the old files of music (that were special access to only our band director) and find something exciting and challenging. I think I went to gym 6 of 15 classes. I dont know how I didnt fail.
12. I absolutely despise "Law and Order" of any kind. Just hearing the theme music is enough to send me in a rage. Somehow, all of those close to me have a supreme hard-on for this show. My mom even has the theme as her ring tone.
13. One of my first professional ballets was Sleeping Beauty with Houston Ballet. I was 2nd cast for a monster in the first act. I hadnt really rehearsed it because I wasnt going to perform it. On dress rehearsal, my first cast got sick, so I had to go in. It was my job to get the spindle that I was told would be sitting on the prop table on stage right. I had a huge head on that blocked a lot of my vision. When I bolted offstage to get the spindle, I didnt see someone standing in the wings and knocked them off their feet looking for the spindle, that they were apparently holding. That person I knocked off of their feet was my new boss, Stanton Welch. I dont think he liked that very much :-/
14. My first "adult" experience was on the last night of a summer program. I dont know why, but the staff decided to let us do WHATEVER we wanted that night. So, we took a walk around the beautiful college campus, sat on a bench to chat, and promptly got it on out in the open. A couple people walked by and we fumbled around to make it look like we were just sitting talking. Looking back, it is pretty amusing.
15. When I was at the School of American Ballet, I cant even count the number of times that I asked my former teacher and current boss, Peter Boal, how to straighten my knees. I can remember asking how to gain hyperextension at least 10 to 15 times. I dont think he remembers this today.
16. I used to rollerskate competitively. On Tuesdays, my mom would pick me up from school and drive me to practice for 3 hours and on Saturdays we would wake up at 4 am to drive an hour to practice for about 4 hours. My dream was to be a famous ice skater. My grandmom told me if I quit dance, Tae Kwon Do, piano, and rollerskating, she would pay for me to get ice skating lessons. I quit in 8th grade after dance took more of my time. Oh, and I broke my arm doing a single axle between 5th and 6th grade.
17. I have a knack for extreme curiousity and weird questions. My 2nd grade teacher was awesome when I asked her things like "Why is Budweiser named Budweiser" and "Is it true that women in France dont shave their armpits?" in front of the entire class.
18. I starred in an educational dance video by Bob Rizzo, named "Ballet with Style." I dance a "boys" variation to badly computerized western style music, sport a cowboy hat, handkerchief, and jeans...all while dancing some really bad choreography. If you ever want a really good laugh and feel like wasting $30 or $40...check it out.
19. I was the "baby" of the family until I was 11 years old. I used to tell my mom how much I loved her and that if she ever had another kid, I wouldnt love her anymore. When she found out she was pregnant with my little bro, she sat me down and asked me if it was ok with me, if I wanted her to have the baby, and if I would still love her. I promptly said, I dont really care and I had already figured it out. To this day, I still wonder what would have happened if I said no...
20. From 2nd grade to 8th grade, I didnt watch anything but the weather channel. My obsession with weather began when Hurricane Andrew struck southern Florida. I wanted so badly to be a meteorologist that I spend countless hours studying this channel. I still put it on when I need ambient noise or time to relax.
21. When I went to the Kirov and School of American Ballet, I used to write down all of my corrections after class. I would write them in notebooks, on tear off pads and hang them around my room, or post-its. I forgot how absolutely crazy I was until I went home this past week. I brought all of the notes I have left home with me to re-read. It may take me weeks to get through all of them.
22. When I was growing up, my best friend was Korean. We would sit in his basement every Saturday and Sunday playing video games for at least 10 hours. I became a video game nerd. This is also where I learned to try any type of food. Being directly from South Korea, his mom would cook us things like anchovies, cuttlefish, and squid. Once, I watched her fry a whole squid and plop it on our plate. I enjoyed it thoroughly, as well as learned that squid has a beak.
23. I have a moderately severe fear of mustard. Yes...all types. I dont like to even see a bottle of mustard. If it touches me, I panic. If it touches my tongue, I know instantly, and cry, hyperventilate, panic, heave, and speak non-sensically.
24. When my mom took her first trip without the family, my step dad and neighbors (directors of the do jang we attended) took care of my sister and me. I was going to the do jang when I lost my belt. When we were looking for my belt in our neighbors car, my friend didnt realize what he was picking up. When he pulled it up as fast as he could, he hit me smack in the mouth with a crow bar. I had a fat lip for a week. I promptly requested for my mom never to leave me again.
25. My boyfriend calls me Hunyeah Jewce (pronounced Hun-yeh, Juice). The first part came from the nickname Honey. DJ would call me this way too much. It started to turn into Hun-eeee, then hunyeee... because he said it SOOO often. One day, I got so fed up with him that I angrily tried to mock him and screamed "HUNYEAH!!!!!!" The name has stuck ever since. Jewce comes from the fact that I am jewish and that I have a lot of energy, like juice. So, now I answer to Hunyeah, Jewce, or Hunyeah Jewce. If he calls me Barry, I get concerned that something is wrong
1. I have written 445 blog posts on Myspace.com and received more than 25,000 hits over a two year period of time. Although I have just begun this blog, Im not sure if it will receive as much attention.
2. Up until I was 11, I had 180 degree flexibility. I have a picture of myself in a Karate tournament doing a side kick at 180 degrees. I stopped stretching during puberty and retained absolutely none of that flexibility. SAD!
3. I danced in Philadelphia's, Boscov's, 4th of July Parade two times. This parade was televised in most of the Northeast US on ABC. The first parade, I danced a tap number to "Boogie, Woogie, Bugle Boy." Our teacher didn't want to rechoreograph an old piece, so she made me dance the "girlie" steps and made me wear so much blush and lipstick because she wanted me to look more like a girl, than a boy.
4. When I was in 3rd grade, I was hospitalized 16 times. One time for an infection (in my nether regions) and 15 times for asthma. I missed 36 days of school that year. I have no idea how I ever passed 3rd grade.
5. When I danced with Houston Ballet, I was cast as the "Indian Man" in Stanton Welch's world premiere of "Tales of Texas." Because I am SOOOO ridiculously white, I was actually paid to go to a tanning salon. When that didnt work, I was paid to buy makeup that was specifically catered to Black people. Every show, I spent 45 minutes getting my neck, chest, face, and arms pancaked. When I walked onstage, I was not recognizable to most of my friends.
6. I took Tae Kwon Do for 8 years. Before I quit, I was about to test for my 2nd degree black belt. During my time in Tae Kwon Do, I traveled the competition circuit, went to the junior national olympics and placed 15th out of 60 in the black belt form category, hung out with world champions and famous Korean masters, moved through 3 do jangs (places of study), and got involved in so much politics that it would disgust you. Most of this took place before I was 11.
7. I am named after my mother's brother, who passed away at the young age of 5 of a rare form of Leukemia. I am the only of my siblings without a Jewish name. If I was a girl, my name would have been Rebecca. If I wanted to get closer to my Jewish roots, I could change Barry to it's Hebrew root, Baruch, but that would be too much like copy-catting Barack Obama, formerly known as Barry Obama(from birth to college).
8. I had a minorly obsessive compulsive streak for 3 months in 9th grade. Every morning, I awoke singing the "Oscar Meyer Weiner Song." I have no idea why, but I would sing it out loud all the time. And when I was in classes at school, I would sing it inside my head. One day it finally stopped.
9. I have played the piano since I was 5, I stopped lessons when I was 16. I can still play a few songs well, but have lost a lot of my touch. When I was in 6th grade I took up the xylophone (and anything else mallet percussion related) and joined our school's steel drum band. Towards the end of 6th grade, I picked up the flute and taught myself. I would talk to my friend who had been playing for 3 years on the phone and play for her and ask for advice. I am still extremely proficient at the flute. In 7th grade, I started playing the clarinet. In 8th grade, my band teacher asked me to learn the alto saxophone, which I promptly did in one day. Finally, when I got into high school, I wanted to play flute in concert band. I was promptly told no and given 2nd chair alto saxophone out of 16 players from 9th to 12th grade. I was still so bored that I would sight transcribe flute music while playing the alto sax. I still love music to this day and miss playing in a group and hearing the harmonies that are created.
10. Im aware that I can talk up a storm. When I was really young...think 6 years old... my mom would tell me that if I would shut my mouth for 30 minutes, she would pay me $5. I would promptly run to the microwave, set the timer, sit quietly until the time was up, collect my earnings, and continue where I left off.
11. Ive only gotten one C on my report card in my life. It was 8th grade and I was through with wrestling in gym class. We had done it every year and I hated the pain and awkwardness (is that a word) of the unit. So, everytime gym came around, I would ask my band teacher for a private lesson pass. I would then make my way to the band room and go into the old files of music (that were special access to only our band director) and find something exciting and challenging. I think I went to gym 6 of 15 classes. I dont know how I didnt fail.
12. I absolutely despise "Law and Order" of any kind. Just hearing the theme music is enough to send me in a rage. Somehow, all of those close to me have a supreme hard-on for this show. My mom even has the theme as her ring tone.
13. One of my first professional ballets was Sleeping Beauty with Houston Ballet. I was 2nd cast for a monster in the first act. I hadnt really rehearsed it because I wasnt going to perform it. On dress rehearsal, my first cast got sick, so I had to go in. It was my job to get the spindle that I was told would be sitting on the prop table on stage right. I had a huge head on that blocked a lot of my vision. When I bolted offstage to get the spindle, I didnt see someone standing in the wings and knocked them off their feet looking for the spindle, that they were apparently holding. That person I knocked off of their feet was my new boss, Stanton Welch. I dont think he liked that very much :-/
14. My first "adult" experience was on the last night of a summer program. I dont know why, but the staff decided to let us do WHATEVER we wanted that night. So, we took a walk around the beautiful college campus, sat on a bench to chat, and promptly got it on out in the open. A couple people walked by and we fumbled around to make it look like we were just sitting talking. Looking back, it is pretty amusing.
15. When I was at the School of American Ballet, I cant even count the number of times that I asked my former teacher and current boss, Peter Boal, how to straighten my knees. I can remember asking how to gain hyperextension at least 10 to 15 times. I dont think he remembers this today.
16. I used to rollerskate competitively. On Tuesdays, my mom would pick me up from school and drive me to practice for 3 hours and on Saturdays we would wake up at 4 am to drive an hour to practice for about 4 hours. My dream was to be a famous ice skater. My grandmom told me if I quit dance, Tae Kwon Do, piano, and rollerskating, she would pay for me to get ice skating lessons. I quit in 8th grade after dance took more of my time. Oh, and I broke my arm doing a single axle between 5th and 6th grade.
17. I have a knack for extreme curiousity and weird questions. My 2nd grade teacher was awesome when I asked her things like "Why is Budweiser named Budweiser" and "Is it true that women in France dont shave their armpits?" in front of the entire class.
18. I starred in an educational dance video by Bob Rizzo, named "Ballet with Style." I dance a "boys" variation to badly computerized western style music, sport a cowboy hat, handkerchief, and jeans...all while dancing some really bad choreography. If you ever want a really good laugh and feel like wasting $30 or $40...check it out.
19. I was the "baby" of the family until I was 11 years old. I used to tell my mom how much I loved her and that if she ever had another kid, I wouldnt love her anymore. When she found out she was pregnant with my little bro, she sat me down and asked me if it was ok with me, if I wanted her to have the baby, and if I would still love her. I promptly said, I dont really care and I had already figured it out. To this day, I still wonder what would have happened if I said no...
20. From 2nd grade to 8th grade, I didnt watch anything but the weather channel. My obsession with weather began when Hurricane Andrew struck southern Florida. I wanted so badly to be a meteorologist that I spend countless hours studying this channel. I still put it on when I need ambient noise or time to relax.
21. When I went to the Kirov and School of American Ballet, I used to write down all of my corrections after class. I would write them in notebooks, on tear off pads and hang them around my room, or post-its. I forgot how absolutely crazy I was until I went home this past week. I brought all of the notes I have left home with me to re-read. It may take me weeks to get through all of them.
22. When I was growing up, my best friend was Korean. We would sit in his basement every Saturday and Sunday playing video games for at least 10 hours. I became a video game nerd. This is also where I learned to try any type of food. Being directly from South Korea, his mom would cook us things like anchovies, cuttlefish, and squid. Once, I watched her fry a whole squid and plop it on our plate. I enjoyed it thoroughly, as well as learned that squid has a beak.
23. I have a moderately severe fear of mustard. Yes...all types. I dont like to even see a bottle of mustard. If it touches me, I panic. If it touches my tongue, I know instantly, and cry, hyperventilate, panic, heave, and speak non-sensically.
24. When my mom took her first trip without the family, my step dad and neighbors (directors of the do jang we attended) took care of my sister and me. I was going to the do jang when I lost my belt. When we were looking for my belt in our neighbors car, my friend didnt realize what he was picking up. When he pulled it up as fast as he could, he hit me smack in the mouth with a crow bar. I had a fat lip for a week. I promptly requested for my mom never to leave me again.
25. My boyfriend calls me Hunyeah Jewce (pronounced Hun-yeh, Juice). The first part came from the nickname Honey. DJ would call me this way too much. It started to turn into Hun-eeee, then hunyeee... because he said it SOOO often. One day, I got so fed up with him that I angrily tried to mock him and screamed "HUNYEAH!!!!!!" The name has stuck ever since. Jewce comes from the fact that I am jewish and that I have a lot of energy, like juice. So, now I answer to Hunyeah, Jewce, or Hunyeah Jewce. If he calls me Barry, I get concerned that something is wrong
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Vacation is never Vacation
Im at home right now sitting on my family's huge sectional couch in the living room, watching Sober House and trying to just take in the relaxation. I dont know what it is, but I find that coming home is always a lot more work than relaxation. In fact, I feel like I often leave more exhausted after a "vacation," then I felt before I arrived. There are many factors that make these trips so tiring.
Ok, so I probably made a mistake at the beginning of this vacation. I NEVER drink before packing. I had a busy week last week and didnt get around to packing until Saturday night after we closed Jewels. As everybody can tell from my most recent blog, I had a pretty bad day on Friday. My Jewbro decided to treat me to dinner to let off some steam on Saturday night after the show. So, we went out to eat at The Deluxe. It was supposed to just be dinner and a drink, but Jewbro had some friends in town that were at the Stumbling Monk and wanted to stop by for a beer before he took me home. I agreed, thinking it wouldnt hurt to relax a bit after a hard week.
I had never been to the Stumbling Monk before, even though Jewbro tried to convince me to go a few times. It was a nice atmosphere, smaller, with only beer. A pub, per se. I met his friends and we hit it off. I decided to stay for another beer and chose to walk home afterwards. Somehow, I ended up getting quite drunk and walking home around 330 am. I still had to pack and refused to wake up and pack because I have a fear of waking up late and not having my clothes packed. So, I stayed awake packing until 6 in the morning. Went to sleep and woke up at 1030 am. I felt fine, aside from my stomach hating me for drinking the night before. I had to recheck everything I packed and was fine. Off to the airport feeling like shit, I changed my seat to an aisle seat in case I needed to use the bathroom and waited for my delayed flight to arrive.
So, finally, I arrive in Newark around midnight and had to find my way to NYC via airtrain, train, and cab. I finally got to NYC at 2 am and spent the night at our good friend JK's. The next day we woke up and it was time to have my whirlwind NYC comeback. We were out by noon and went to Central Park, Soho, Union Square, and a few other places and on the train home to Downingtown by 630 pm. Home by 930 and chilling. I was already exhausted by this point, but the week had just begun.
On Tuesday, DJ and I tried to sleep in. I say tried because I always have a big problem sleeping when I come to the east coast from the west coast. Yeah, its only a 3 hour time difference, but I already go to sleep so late, it really fucks with my head. I go to sleep between 1 and 2 typically on the west coast. So, when I come to the East coast, I cant fall asleep until 4 or 5 in the morning due to the time difference. Then, I usually need to wake up by 8 or 9 am if I want to do something other than sit around the house all day due to transportation needs. So, I get no sleep and am generally exhausted whenever Im home. So, anyway, on Tuesday DJ and I went to Coatesville to check out some of the damage from the arson fires that have been happening in the last year. Its kind of crazy to be honest. There have been over 30 arson fires in the last year, 23 of them since January 1st. Its insane. I heard about this on the news in Seattle, its such big news. Its kind of sad to see my hometown be burnt to the ground. Somehow, they have no idea who the person or people are behind the arsons. So...we drove around and were taking pictures. And at one point there was this really frightening guy that was just chilling in his car. When we got back into our car and I took a picture from the car, he turned his car on and started to follow us. I panicked and started doing some crazy turns to out manuever this guy. I was afraid of confrontation. I dont know if this guy was a town watch guy, an angry homeowner, or the FBI. All I know is, if its the FBI...sorry mom...they probably have your license plate number. Anyway, after that we picked up my bro, checked out an Underground Railroad site and went to our
favorite, trashy stop at home, Walmart. The rest of that day was followed by dinner with the Scoobies.
Wednesday, DJ and I went into Philly. We had to get driven to the train station to go into the city, so we got up super early. We got into Philly around 1030 and from there until 6, we accomplished so much it was frightening. The short story is we went to Independence Hall, Benjamin Franklin's former house and museum, South Street, Broad Street, Rittenhouse Square, Society Hill, First Unitarian Church, Monk's Cafe(an awesome belgian pub), and Chinatown. We finished and came home for dinner. Stayed up watching Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo, a nice, light funny movie.
So, this morning came and we decide to sleep in a bit. We drove back into Philly and went to the Philadelphia Art Museum. Although PAM is one of the most impressive museums Ive ever been to (or for that matter danced in front of), Im not big on art museums. DJ loves them, so I always suck it up and go to a museum or two when we are out of Seattle. Luckily, we could only go for about 2 hours because my brother, another DJ, had a guitar lesson. We came home, chilled for an hour, then dinner, then I visited my old dance studio. I showed up to catch up with my former director and former teacher, somehow I ended up teaching a bit of partnering and pointe class. ha! I loved it though. It made me realize that I look forward to becoming a teacher and shaping young dancers to do what I love to do. It really felt good.
So, this is why I always end up coming home more exhausted than I was before I left. Whats up next? Tomorrow is sister, mall, synagogue (blech....long story), drinks, and Saturday is valentines dinner with scoobys and bowling. The worst part of the weekend will be Sunday, when we have to take a 2 1/2 hour train ride to newark, just to take a 6 hour flight home. SUCKY SUCKY! Anyway....Ive written a blog that is WAY to long! So, I hope everyone is having a great break, and if you arent a dancer at PNB, I hope you are having a great week :) Ciao!
Ok, so I probably made a mistake at the beginning of this vacation. I NEVER drink before packing. I had a busy week last week and didnt get around to packing until Saturday night after we closed Jewels. As everybody can tell from my most recent blog, I had a pretty bad day on Friday. My Jewbro decided to treat me to dinner to let off some steam on Saturday night after the show. So, we went out to eat at The Deluxe. It was supposed to just be dinner and a drink, but Jewbro had some friends in town that were at the Stumbling Monk and wanted to stop by for a beer before he took me home. I agreed, thinking it wouldnt hurt to relax a bit after a hard week.
I had never been to the Stumbling Monk before, even though Jewbro tried to convince me to go a few times. It was a nice atmosphere, smaller, with only beer. A pub, per se. I met his friends and we hit it off. I decided to stay for another beer and chose to walk home afterwards. Somehow, I ended up getting quite drunk and walking home around 330 am. I still had to pack and refused to wake up and pack because I have a fear of waking up late and not having my clothes packed. So, I stayed awake packing until 6 in the morning. Went to sleep and woke up at 1030 am. I felt fine, aside from my stomach hating me for drinking the night before. I had to recheck everything I packed and was fine. Off to the airport feeling like shit, I changed my seat to an aisle seat in case I needed to use the bathroom and waited for my delayed flight to arrive.
So, finally, I arrive in Newark around midnight and had to find my way to NYC via airtrain, train, and cab. I finally got to NYC at 2 am and spent the night at our good friend JK's. The next day we woke up and it was time to have my whirlwind NYC comeback. We were out by noon and went to Central Park, Soho, Union Square, and a few other places and on the train home to Downingtown by 630 pm. Home by 930 and chilling. I was already exhausted by this point, but the week had just begun.
On Tuesday, DJ and I tried to sleep in. I say tried because I always have a big problem sleeping when I come to the east coast from the west coast. Yeah, its only a 3 hour time difference, but I already go to sleep so late, it really fucks with my head. I go to sleep between 1 and 2 typically on the west coast. So, when I come to the East coast, I cant fall asleep until 4 or 5 in the morning due to the time difference. Then, I usually need to wake up by 8 or 9 am if I want to do something other than sit around the house all day due to transportation needs. So, I get no sleep and am generally exhausted whenever Im home. So, anyway, on Tuesday DJ and I went to Coatesville to check out some of the damage from the arson fires that have been happening in the last year. Its kind of crazy to be honest. There have been over 30 arson fires in the last year, 23 of them since January 1st. Its insane. I heard about this on the news in Seattle, its such big news. Its kind of sad to see my hometown be burnt to the ground. Somehow, they have no idea who the person or people are behind the arsons. So...we drove around and were taking pictures. And at one point there was this really frightening guy that was just chilling in his car. When we got back into our car and I took a picture from the car, he turned his car on and started to follow us. I panicked and started doing some crazy turns to out manuever this guy. I was afraid of confrontation. I dont know if this guy was a town watch guy, an angry homeowner, or the FBI. All I know is, if its the FBI...sorry mom...they probably have your license plate number. Anyway, after that we picked up my bro, checked out an Underground Railroad site and went to our
favorite, trashy stop at home, Walmart. The rest of that day was followed by dinner with the Scoobies.Wednesday, DJ and I went into Philly. We had to get driven to the train station to go into the city, so we got up super early. We got into Philly around 1030 and from there until 6, we accomplished so much it was frightening. The short story is we went to Independence Hall, Benjamin Franklin's former house and museum, South Street, Broad Street, Rittenhouse Square, Society Hill, First Unitarian Church, Monk's Cafe(an awesome belgian pub), and Chinatown. We finished and came home for dinner. Stayed up watching Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo, a nice, light funny movie.
So, this morning came and we decide to sleep in a bit. We drove back into Philly and went to the Philadelphia Art Museum. Although PAM is one of the most impressive museums Ive ever been to (or for that matter danced in front of), Im not big on art museums. DJ loves them, so I always suck it up and go to a museum or two when we are out of Seattle. Luckily, we could only go for about 2 hours because my brother, another DJ, had a guitar lesson. We came home, chilled for an hour, then dinner, then I visited my old dance studio. I showed up to catch up with my former director and former teacher, somehow I ended up teaching a bit of partnering and pointe class. ha! I loved it though. It made me realize that I look forward to becoming a teacher and shaping young dancers to do what I love to do. It really felt good.
So, this is why I always end up coming home more exhausted than I was before I left. Whats up next? Tomorrow is sister, mall, synagogue (blech....long story), drinks, and Saturday is valentines dinner with scoobys and bowling. The worst part of the weekend will be Sunday, when we have to take a 2 1/2 hour train ride to newark, just to take a 6 hour flight home. SUCKY SUCKY! Anyway....Ive written a blog that is WAY to long! So, I hope everyone is having a great break, and if you arent a dancer at PNB, I hope you are having a great week :) Ciao!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Just Dance It
Today has been a very hard day for me. Dont worry, nothing is horribly wrong...DJ and I are fine (even though he got to leave for the east coast two days before me and will spend that time in NYC....Im jealous). In fact, I can't really even discuss the cowardly happenings that caused me to crumble into an abyss of mental rage. Nonetheless, I can write and it will probably make me feel better.
So, after I had the event this morning, I was in a really bad mood. I didnt really know what to do, I felt very confused, and I wanted to shut everybody out. For the first time in a really long time, I felt like I really needed to use ballet as my outlet. Not that ballet isnt my outlet, but it has been awhile since I really just wanted to be a deaf, mute and just enter the studio and dance away my worries. Unfortunately and fortunately things turned out a little different.
I started walking to work and I put on my IPod. I needed the right mood of music to keep me from screaming, crying, or throwing some sort of fit. Trance mix 2 wasnt doing it for me. I scanned my memory for a good set of songs that would help me pass my frustration. Low and behold, the one artist that has always been there for me in a hard time came to my mind. Kelly Clarkson. She has two albums that I love (I didnt get into her until post-American-Idol fame). The first one, Breakaway, was the perfect healing to my wounded soul after my first love treated me like shit, used me and abused me, and then dumped me. Her songs on that album spoke to me and told me that I wasnt alone in having the feelings that I was having. The second one, My December, is when Kelly gets ANGRY about the situation. So, I opted to walk to work with the ANGRY album. Although, I didnt love this person, it made me feel good to feel my own angst and raw emotion in music.
So, I arrived at work ready to block out the world. As I said before, my objective was to block everybody out until the first plie. Well, the second I walked into the building, Abaliscious' and her mom were sitting in the lounge. I was forced to pretend like I was happy to meet her and in a great mood. Granted, I was happy to meet her...I just didnt want to meet her then. So, I went to change, put my music back on and made my way downstairs to find that our studio was already filled by PD's being looked at by the artistic directors of Colorado Ballet and Ballet San Jose Silicon Valley(BSJSV). So, I couldnt go into the studio and do what I planned and instead, ended up sitting with some friends and chatting. I really just wanted to sit there and block everybody out, as I have said, but what I dreaded even more was having to deal with people asking me if I was ok after I had acted abnormally. So, instead, I chose to act normally.
So, we finally get into the studio and class goes fine. I didnt feel great, but it was fine. I always enjoy P Gibbers class. After class, Im becoming more and more aware that Im boiling inside. I was having angry thoughts towards people that I didnt have any anger towards, I was frustrated about this and that, and perhaps being snappier than I usually am (I dont think I really snappy at all usually). I finally get to the point where I feel that I need to at least discuss a little bit of what happened to somebody (unfortunately, Im not a very withheld person...I try to keep things in, but I just cant or it eats me up).
Im now feeling a little better since Ive at least vocalized my frustrations. We had Rubies rehearsal and then West Side Story Suite Rehearsal. I think that both of these pieces are a lot of fun. It brightened my day a bit, even though our guest setter was being moderately frustrating by just saying things, instead of thinking out better ways to say what she wanted. Finally, we got to one of my favorite parts of WSSS..."Cool." As everybody knows the story of West Side Story, I dont really need to explain much, but in "Cool" everybody is frustrated and angry at their opposing gang. I get to do a little part where I get super frustrated, then act a little crazy, then just let it all go. Its a little wild. Now, when I usually do this part, I try to act the part out as well as I can, but today was different. I think I actually had an out of body experience. The second I started, I channeled all of my anger from today into that moment. I honestly dont remember what happened. I had chills and my eyes started to well up with tears. It just felt so good to truly live out my frustrations. Like, when you want to scream at the top of your lungs or explode. We all say that we want to, but I actually got to. At that moment, I felt like I had never been more honest to myself. It was a really magical moment, nobody would ever know if I didnt write it here, but it was magical.
Although, I dont want to feel these feelings, I know that I will cherish that moment of breakthrough. It's pretty much unexplainable (is that even a word?). I dont want to explain it. I just want to live it. So, with that, Im gonna go and just say thank you for letting me share this.
So, after I had the event this morning, I was in a really bad mood. I didnt really know what to do, I felt very confused, and I wanted to shut everybody out. For the first time in a really long time, I felt like I really needed to use ballet as my outlet. Not that ballet isnt my outlet, but it has been awhile since I really just wanted to be a deaf, mute and just enter the studio and dance away my worries. Unfortunately and fortunately things turned out a little different.
I started walking to work and I put on my IPod. I needed the right mood of music to keep me from screaming, crying, or throwing some sort of fit. Trance mix 2 wasnt doing it for me. I scanned my memory for a good set of songs that would help me pass my frustration. Low and behold, the one artist that has always been there for me in a hard time came to my mind. Kelly Clarkson. She has two albums that I love (I didnt get into her until post-American-Idol fame). The first one, Breakaway, was the perfect healing to my wounded soul after my first love treated me like shit, used me and abused me, and then dumped me. Her songs on that album spoke to me and told me that I wasnt alone in having the feelings that I was having. The second one, My December, is when Kelly gets ANGRY about the situation. So, I opted to walk to work with the ANGRY album. Although, I didnt love this person, it made me feel good to feel my own angst and raw emotion in music.
So, I arrived at work ready to block out the world. As I said before, my objective was to block everybody out until the first plie. Well, the second I walked into the building, Abaliscious' and her mom were sitting in the lounge. I was forced to pretend like I was happy to meet her and in a great mood. Granted, I was happy to meet her...I just didnt want to meet her then. So, I went to change, put my music back on and made my way downstairs to find that our studio was already filled by PD's being looked at by the artistic directors of Colorado Ballet and Ballet San Jose Silicon Valley(BSJSV). So, I couldnt go into the studio and do what I planned and instead, ended up sitting with some friends and chatting. I really just wanted to sit there and block everybody out, as I have said, but what I dreaded even more was having to deal with people asking me if I was ok after I had acted abnormally. So, instead, I chose to act normally.
So, we finally get into the studio and class goes fine. I didnt feel great, but it was fine. I always enjoy P Gibbers class. After class, Im becoming more and more aware that Im boiling inside. I was having angry thoughts towards people that I didnt have any anger towards, I was frustrated about this and that, and perhaps being snappier than I usually am (I dont think I really snappy at all usually). I finally get to the point where I feel that I need to at least discuss a little bit of what happened to somebody (unfortunately, Im not a very withheld person...I try to keep things in, but I just cant or it eats me up).
Im now feeling a little better since Ive at least vocalized my frustrations. We had Rubies rehearsal and then West Side Story Suite Rehearsal. I think that both of these pieces are a lot of fun. It brightened my day a bit, even though our guest setter was being moderately frustrating by just saying things, instead of thinking out better ways to say what she wanted. Finally, we got to one of my favorite parts of WSSS..."Cool." As everybody knows the story of West Side Story, I dont really need to explain much, but in "Cool" everybody is frustrated and angry at their opposing gang. I get to do a little part where I get super frustrated, then act a little crazy, then just let it all go. Its a little wild. Now, when I usually do this part, I try to act the part out as well as I can, but today was different. I think I actually had an out of body experience. The second I started, I channeled all of my anger from today into that moment. I honestly dont remember what happened. I had chills and my eyes started to well up with tears. It just felt so good to truly live out my frustrations. Like, when you want to scream at the top of your lungs or explode. We all say that we want to, but I actually got to. At that moment, I felt like I had never been more honest to myself. It was a really magical moment, nobody would ever know if I didnt write it here, but it was magical.
Although, I dont want to feel these feelings, I know that I will cherish that moment of breakthrough. It's pretty much unexplainable (is that even a word?). I dont want to explain it. I just want to live it. So, with that, Im gonna go and just say thank you for letting me share this.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Im No Sleeping Beauty
So, I just took my wonderful little pill and there is a good chance that I may see some glowing butterflies by the end of the night. That is, I took a white pill that goes by the name of Lunesta. So, if this blog goes horribly awry, it may be due to the fact that I am falling asleep an incoherent. Ill do my best to avoid that though.
Recently, the subject of sleeping pills came up at work. I am pretty willing to put it out there. I am not a sleeper. I dont know why, but I can wake up extremely tired, remain tired for the entirety of the day...and the second that the clock hits 9 pm...I am WIDE awake and ready to go. I dont know if there is a term for this, but I am definitely a night person. I dont know how this happened or why this is, but its just how I am.
Due to this, I have trouble falling asleep at night. I could lay in bed for hours upon hours staring at the ceiling, watching choreography as I stare into my eyelids, or manipulating events in my life to my liking or disliking. I dont know why I do this, but it keeps me wide awake. Because I like to stay wide awake when I really should be (and need to be) asleep, I often feel the need to take something to put me to sleep. Because of this, over the past few years I have attempted many different sleeping aids and had some success with some and am moderately skeptical about others.
Sleeping Aides that I have taken:
Tylenol PM: I usually go for the "PM" part of tylenol PM because I value my liver. Ive come to learn that it is really nothing other than benadryl. This stuff works. When I was going through a break up years ago, I would take it every night. Eventually, I had to up my dosage to 3 pills to go to sleep, but after a couple tries of that, I determined that I have bigger issues than sleep if Im taking three. So, I stopped taking tylenol pm. Now, I only take it here or there because although it helps me sleep, it really isnt worth the horrible hangover you have int he morning. Think...suicidal thoughts when you wake up...only because you want to go back to sleep. Try taking a full on ballet class with a tylenol PM hangover. BAD NEWS! Nonetheless, I give Tylenol PM 3 stars
Ambien: I was prescribed Ambien when I had mono. Seems like an oxymoron almost. Unfortunately for me, mono only exhausted my body. It didnt exhaust my mind. I had never been physically inactive for more than 2 weeks at any point in my life before the age of 2. When I found myself laying on the couch for over a month, my mind went crazy and I started getting relatively no sleep. I would go to sleep around 5 am and wake up around 9 am. In my misery, I went to the doctor and asked for help. They gave me Ambien and Ambien gave me hallucinations. I was sitting at my computer the first time I took it and thought all of a sudden that my instant message letters were floating on clouds. I also kept having to turn from my desk to make sure that there wasnt a balcony of people watching me from above (almost Harry Potter Jury style). Ambien was fun, but it didnt let me sleep. I may have been too fascinated with the halluciations to sleep. I rate ambien a 1 for usefulness and 4 for fun...well...drowsy fun
Lunesta: This drug is the one that I am currently beginning to feel the effects of. My doctor prescribed me this because he thinks that I get sick often because I am such a physically active person and almost never get more than 7 hours of sleep a night. He gave this to me and told me to make sure I get eight hours of sleep (that means to bed by 1245 am). Lunesta is pretty good. It does its job. I want to run for the bed the second it starts kicking in. The odd thing about this medication is that it alters anything you eat or drink after it starts kicking in. Altogether, though, I would give ambien a strong 4 for effectiveness. This one can also give you a bit of a hangover in the morning, but it doesnt compare to the Tylenol PM hangover
Cyclobenzaprene: Well, this isnt really a sleeping pill. Its a muscle relaxer. When I hurt my back in November, my Dr. prescribed me this to help with muscle spasms. If you want the deepest sleep that leaves you feeling like you are falling through the springs in your mattress...this is for you. This medication makes you feel super depressed and bitchy if you try to stay away, but if you give in to the medication and go to sleep, it can be quite enjoyable. The only thing about this is, being a dancer, I wouldnt take this for anything but muscle pain and I would never use it within 12 hours of having to dance because it can make your muscles feel kind of weak the next day. So, I give this one a 5 for sleep, but a 1 for usability. not really a sleep aid I guess, just could be used for sleep.
Xanax: I am not depressed, nor am I anxious. Ive never been given a prescription for xanax, but I have been given some when I was having trouble sleeping. Xanax is perfect for a really long plane trip where you wont have any responsibilities. This stuff is HARDCORE. I took 1/4 of a normal 2 gram pill. And when I got off the couch next, I stumbled into my bedroom worse than a drunk. If you dont get 8-10 hours of sleep, you will be non functional in the morning, but if you do get that sleep, you feel great the next day. So for the xanax - functionality - 5, usefulness - 5, my wanting to take it - negative 5. I dont know why, but I have no want to use xanax to sleep
Valerian: My dr suggested I get this to help me sleep. It is a natural root that is said to have calming properties. It is not a sleep aid, but it has anti anxiety properties in it. Considering that a lot of people tell me that I seem pretty anxious all the time, I think it really was just a hint from my dr. to calm down. So, I tried this stuff, it tastes like shit. You use droppers to mix it with water. Its calming, but it wont put me to sleep. My rating for this natural supplement is pretty much a 1 in sleep effectiveess.
Vicodin: Vicodin (often given as cough syrup when Im sick) can help calm me a bit to go to sleep. It doesnt necessarily make me tired, but it helps calm me to go to sleep. There is a fine line here though. If you take too little, I wont get sleepy, and if I take too much, I get closed eyed paranoid vivid dreams. The vivid dreams end up keeping me awake because they scare me so. So, I try to not take vicodin unless I actually do have a cough. So, I rate vicodin at a 3.
Melatonin: Lastly, is melatonin. This stuff is either really effective or really not. What it does is it resets the brain. It make the brain think that when it is dark outside you should be sleeping. So, if you took this at anytime during the day, you would probably be really disoriented and depressed. So, I take melatonin whenever I travel.I take it sometimes at night to help me fall asleep. But, what Ive noticed is that it only works foa few days, then I seem to develop a tolerance. Also, there are moments when I get hangovers from melatonin, again not as bad as tylenol PM. I would rate melatonin a 3.
As always, everybody has an extremely strong opinion where I work. I felt really judged by people at one point, telling me what I should and shouldnt take. I understand where they are coming from, but its my decision to make. It just makes me question if its ok that I take sleeping pills about 2 or 3 times a week (I actually do attempt to sleep naturally a couple days a week). I know it would be best for me to sleep naturally every night, but is it really so bad for me to get a good nights rest chemically so that my body can rest and regenerate and so my immune system can build up? I wish I was one of those people that can just lay in bed and fall asleep (ie any guy Ive ever dated or been roommates with). Oh well. Im starting to fade, so Im off!
Recently, the subject of sleeping pills came up at work. I am pretty willing to put it out there. I am not a sleeper. I dont know why, but I can wake up extremely tired, remain tired for the entirety of the day...and the second that the clock hits 9 pm...I am WIDE awake and ready to go. I dont know if there is a term for this, but I am definitely a night person. I dont know how this happened or why this is, but its just how I am.
Due to this, I have trouble falling asleep at night. I could lay in bed for hours upon hours staring at the ceiling, watching choreography as I stare into my eyelids, or manipulating events in my life to my liking or disliking. I dont know why I do this, but it keeps me wide awake. Because I like to stay wide awake when I really should be (and need to be) asleep, I often feel the need to take something to put me to sleep. Because of this, over the past few years I have attempted many different sleeping aids and had some success with some and am moderately skeptical about others.
Sleeping Aides that I have taken:
Tylenol PM: I usually go for the "PM" part of tylenol PM because I value my liver. Ive come to learn that it is really nothing other than benadryl. This stuff works. When I was going through a break up years ago, I would take it every night. Eventually, I had to up my dosage to 3 pills to go to sleep, but after a couple tries of that, I determined that I have bigger issues than sleep if Im taking three. So, I stopped taking tylenol pm. Now, I only take it here or there because although it helps me sleep, it really isnt worth the horrible hangover you have int he morning. Think...suicidal thoughts when you wake up...only because you want to go back to sleep. Try taking a full on ballet class with a tylenol PM hangover. BAD NEWS! Nonetheless, I give Tylenol PM 3 stars
Ambien: I was prescribed Ambien when I had mono. Seems like an oxymoron almost. Unfortunately for me, mono only exhausted my body. It didnt exhaust my mind. I had never been physically inactive for more than 2 weeks at any point in my life before the age of 2. When I found myself laying on the couch for over a month, my mind went crazy and I started getting relatively no sleep. I would go to sleep around 5 am and wake up around 9 am. In my misery, I went to the doctor and asked for help. They gave me Ambien and Ambien gave me hallucinations. I was sitting at my computer the first time I took it and thought all of a sudden that my instant message letters were floating on clouds. I also kept having to turn from my desk to make sure that there wasnt a balcony of people watching me from above (almost Harry Potter Jury style). Ambien was fun, but it didnt let me sleep. I may have been too fascinated with the halluciations to sleep. I rate ambien a 1 for usefulness and 4 for fun...well...drowsy fun
Lunesta: This drug is the one that I am currently beginning to feel the effects of. My doctor prescribed me this because he thinks that I get sick often because I am such a physically active person and almost never get more than 7 hours of sleep a night. He gave this to me and told me to make sure I get eight hours of sleep (that means to bed by 1245 am). Lunesta is pretty good. It does its job. I want to run for the bed the second it starts kicking in. The odd thing about this medication is that it alters anything you eat or drink after it starts kicking in. Altogether, though, I would give ambien a strong 4 for effectiveness. This one can also give you a bit of a hangover in the morning, but it doesnt compare to the Tylenol PM hangover
Cyclobenzaprene: Well, this isnt really a sleeping pill. Its a muscle relaxer. When I hurt my back in November, my Dr. prescribed me this to help with muscle spasms. If you want the deepest sleep that leaves you feeling like you are falling through the springs in your mattress...this is for you. This medication makes you feel super depressed and bitchy if you try to stay away, but if you give in to the medication and go to sleep, it can be quite enjoyable. The only thing about this is, being a dancer, I wouldnt take this for anything but muscle pain and I would never use it within 12 hours of having to dance because it can make your muscles feel kind of weak the next day. So, I give this one a 5 for sleep, but a 1 for usability. not really a sleep aid I guess, just could be used for sleep.
Xanax: I am not depressed, nor am I anxious. Ive never been given a prescription for xanax, but I have been given some when I was having trouble sleeping. Xanax is perfect for a really long plane trip where you wont have any responsibilities. This stuff is HARDCORE. I took 1/4 of a normal 2 gram pill. And when I got off the couch next, I stumbled into my bedroom worse than a drunk. If you dont get 8-10 hours of sleep, you will be non functional in the morning, but if you do get that sleep, you feel great the next day. So for the xanax - functionality - 5, usefulness - 5, my wanting to take it - negative 5. I dont know why, but I have no want to use xanax to sleep
Valerian: My dr suggested I get this to help me sleep. It is a natural root that is said to have calming properties. It is not a sleep aid, but it has anti anxiety properties in it. Considering that a lot of people tell me that I seem pretty anxious all the time, I think it really was just a hint from my dr. to calm down. So, I tried this stuff, it tastes like shit. You use droppers to mix it with water. Its calming, but it wont put me to sleep. My rating for this natural supplement is pretty much a 1 in sleep effectiveess.
Vicodin: Vicodin (often given as cough syrup when Im sick) can help calm me a bit to go to sleep. It doesnt necessarily make me tired, but it helps calm me to go to sleep. There is a fine line here though. If you take too little, I wont get sleepy, and if I take too much, I get closed eyed paranoid vivid dreams. The vivid dreams end up keeping me awake because they scare me so. So, I try to not take vicodin unless I actually do have a cough. So, I rate vicodin at a 3.
Melatonin: Lastly, is melatonin. This stuff is either really effective or really not. What it does is it resets the brain. It make the brain think that when it is dark outside you should be sleeping. So, if you took this at anytime during the day, you would probably be really disoriented and depressed. So, I take melatonin whenever I travel.I take it sometimes at night to help me fall asleep. But, what Ive noticed is that it only works foa few days, then I seem to develop a tolerance. Also, there are moments when I get hangovers from melatonin, again not as bad as tylenol PM. I would rate melatonin a 3.
As always, everybody has an extremely strong opinion where I work. I felt really judged by people at one point, telling me what I should and shouldnt take. I understand where they are coming from, but its my decision to make. It just makes me question if its ok that I take sleeping pills about 2 or 3 times a week (I actually do attempt to sleep naturally a couple days a week). I know it would be best for me to sleep naturally every night, but is it really so bad for me to get a good nights rest chemically so that my body can rest and regenerate and so my immune system can build up? I wish I was one of those people that can just lay in bed and fall asleep (ie any guy Ive ever dated or been roommates with). Oh well. Im starting to fade, so Im off!
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