Just Dance It

Today has been a very hard day for me. Dont worry, nothing is horribly wrong...DJ and I are fine (even though he got to leave for the east coast two days before me and will spend that time in NYC....Im jealous). In fact, I can't really even discuss the cowardly happenings that caused me to crumble into an abyss of mental rage. Nonetheless, I can write and it will probably make me feel better.

So, after I had the event this morning, I was in a really bad mood. I didnt really know what to do, I felt very confused, and I wanted to shut everybody out. For the first time in a really long time, I felt like I really needed to use ballet as my outlet. Not that ballet isnt my outlet, but it has been awhile since I really just wanted to be a deaf, mute and just enter the studio and dance away my worries. Unfortunately and fortunately things turned out a little different.

I started walking to work and I put on my IPod. I needed the right mood of music to keep me from screaming, crying, or throwing some sort of fit. Trance mix 2 wasnt doing it for me. I scanned my memory for a good set of songs that would help me pass my frustration. Low and behold, the one artist that has always been there for me in a hard time came to my mind. Kelly Clarkson. She has two albums that I love (I didnt get into her until post-American-Idol fame). The first one, Breakaway, was the perfect healing to my wounded soul after my first love treated me like shit, used me and abused me, and then dumped me. Her songs on that album spoke to me and told me that I wasnt alone in having the feelings that I was having. The second one, My December, is when Kelly gets ANGRY about the situation. So, I opted to walk to work with the ANGRY album. Although, I didnt love this person, it made me feel good to feel my own angst and raw emotion in music.

So, I arrived at work ready to block out the world. As I said before, my objective was to block everybody out until the first plie. Well, the second I walked into the building, Abaliscious' and her mom were sitting in the lounge. I was forced to pretend like I was happy to meet her and in a great mood. Granted, I was happy to meet her...I just didnt want to meet her then. So, I went to change, put my music back on and made my way downstairs to find that our studio was already filled by PD's being looked at by the artistic directors of Colorado Ballet and Ballet San Jose Silicon Valley(BSJSV). So, I couldnt go into the studio and do what I planned and instead, ended up sitting with some friends and chatting. I really just wanted to sit there and block everybody out, as I have said, but what I dreaded even more was having to deal with people asking me if I was ok after I had acted abnormally. So, instead, I chose to act normally.

So, we finally get into the studio and class goes fine. I didnt feel great, but it was fine. I always enjoy P Gibbers class. After class, Im becoming more and more aware that Im boiling inside. I was having angry thoughts towards people that I didnt have any anger towards, I was frustrated about this and that, and perhaps being snappier than I usually am (I dont think I really snappy at all usually). I finally get to the point where I feel that I need to at least discuss a little bit of what happened to somebody (unfortunately, Im not a very withheld person...I try to keep things in, but I just cant or it eats me up).

Im now feeling a little better since Ive at least vocalized my frustrations. We had Rubies rehearsal and then West Side Story Suite Rehearsal. I think that both of these pieces are a lot of fun. It brightened my day a bit, even though our guest setter was being moderately frustrating by just saying things, instead of thinking out better ways to say what she wanted. Finally, we got to one of my favorite parts of WSSS..."Cool." As everybody knows the story of West Side Story, I dont really need to explain much, but in "Cool" everybody is frustrated and angry at their opposing gang. I get to do a little part where I get super frustrated, then act a little crazy, then just let it all go. Its a little wild. Now, when I usually do this part, I try to act the part out as well as I can, but today was different. I think I actually had an out of body experience. The second I started, I channeled all of my anger from today into that moment. I honestly dont remember what happened. I had chills and my eyes started to well up with tears. It just felt so good to truly live out my frustrations. Like, when you want to scream at the top of your lungs or explode. We all say that we want to, but I actually got to. At that moment, I felt like I had never been more honest to myself. It was a really magical moment, nobody would ever know if I didnt write it here, but it was magical.

Although, I dont want to feel these feelings, I know that I will cherish that moment of breakthrough. It's pretty much unexplainable (is that even a word?). I dont want to explain it. I just want to live it. So, with that, Im gonna go and just say thank you for letting me share this.