Why today sucked!!!

Today really wasnt that horrible of a day, but for some reason I left work at 7 pm and promptly felt like my day sucked ass, to put it best. So, instead of trying to convince myself that it really wasnt that bad and that I was just more sensitive than usual, I've decided to write about it, whilst sipping on a glass of Riesling.

Today started at as most normal performance week days. I woke up at 945 and got ready for work. I felt that today was going to be a normal day...I was slightly tired, slightly sore, my lower back was bothering me(this isnt totally normal, but something that Im also kind of used to), and I was rushing to get out of the door on time...even though I dont have an actual time that I am supposed to leave. I just tell myself that I need to leave earlier than I am leaving every day.

I set off on my normal 20 minute walk to work and enjoyed listening to LA's Kiss FM on my IPhone's I Heart Radio application. I made it to work fine, even though I scolded myself for not arriving earlier. Oh well...normal stuff.

Finally, the true start to my day. The moment where I feel that I truly wake up every day. Company class. Peter, our boss, taught, and I was trying to mentally prepare myself for taking class with back pain. I have to take class differently when my back hurts because it can be so sensitive. I hate it when my back is sore because I feel like half the dancer that I actually am. I cant lift my legs as high as they go, I cant stay square, my turns suffer, and a lot more. Peter's class is often extremely fast. Not as in the combinations pass quickly, as in he makes us do our typical combinations at lightening fast speeds. This really hurts my back if it is already sore, so I often have to change the combinations at barre to avoid going completely out (in other words, being put on the injured list). So, class is going fine...Im dealing well. And we get to center. Peter decides to give us a lecture at the beginning of our center exercises. He tells us how it is pertinent that we do every combination that he gives us, as he gives it, in order to have the longest career as possible. He used himself as an example of career longevity and essentially shut everybody off for the rest of class. I was pretty upset by his comment. I think that everybodys body is quite different. His is suited well for ballet and can handle whatever harsh demands he asked of it. I on the other hand, have a very sensitive back. If I do too much or force something, I will shorten my career. He said that he knows best and that our "young" bodies can handle it, but I feel that this isnt true. Also, we had discussed recently how many of our classes have, well, sucked lately. And I feel that the point was completely missed. This was a bad tone to set my day.

After class, we had our second day of stage rehearsals, in preparation for the opening of our AWESOME Broadway program on Thursday (I do actually think this is a GREAT program...come see it). We started with Slaughter on Tenth Avenue. This rehearsal was rather normal. Following that was Carousel. I felt like there was tension in the air during this rehearsal. It may be that my focus was slightly disturbed because I had to, yet again let the artistic staff know that my back was hurting. I dont want to be judged and Im tired of telling them that my back hurts. I used to be the guy that was always sick. Now, Im not that...Im the guy that always has a sore back and cant do all of the lifts in rehearsal. I figured out a big part of why I am having back problems. This is no offense to any of my dearest colleagues, but I am often partnered with girls that are TOO big for me. By big, I mean, tall. Pacific Northwest Ballet is known as a company of tall dancers. The oddity of it all is that we really only have a few tall principal men, a lot of taller female dancers, and a surplus of average sized men. Since I am one of the taller men that are not tall and I am a strong partner (say what you want), I often get partnered with the tallest girls in the pieces. I think because I am dancing with girls that are not the right size for me, I end up overusing my back to execute the partnering steps. So far this season, my back has only bothered me during the programs where I am dancing with taller girls. For instance, I danced with the tallest girl in the corps during the Twyla rep, I danced with one of the tallest principal female in the world in the New Works rep, and now, in Carousel, I am dancing with somebody who is too big for me. Its frustrating because I have honestly enjoyed dancing with everybody that Ive been dancing with, but I feel like Im being looked down upon for my back problems when in any other company, nobody my size would be partnered with people of the heights that Im being partnered with.

Ok, now that I got that frustration out of the way, I can move on. So, after Carousel, we had lunch. We have many people coming in to assist us in putting on the ballets that we are performing in this program. During lunch, one decided to start hunting everyone and anybody down that she could give notes to. Being our companies union rep, I am supposed to prevent these situations from happening. Wait...let me rephrase. It is the managements job to make sure this doesnt happen and it is my job to make sure that the management is enforcing this. So, since there was no management around, I was forced to step in and stop notes from being given. I dont like this aspect of my job because it can put uncomfortable stresses upon me. Either I dont say anything and ignore my job, or I say something and have the possibility that this person is angered by me and writes me off for any potential future meetings (the ballet world is small). Lunch ends and rehearsal begins for Take 5.

Now, this is where things go horribly downhill. I have been eagerly rehearsing for this Susan Stroman ballet. I was in the rehearsals when this piece was created, told I wouldnt perform it because there wasnt time and that I would have the opportunity to perform it when it came back this year. Well, from the start this season, I was told that I was not going to perform it. With all of this said, I have been rehearsing like I am performing it, and have even performed the piece in open rehearsal. Now that it is performance week, it is typical to ignore anybody but performing casts. For some odd reason, we are rehearsing this piece. I think it is good and bad. Its good to get the rehearsal time to improve, but at the same time...I feel like utter shit that Im not being allowed to perform some featured parts, while others who have spent much less time get opportunities, seemingly by default. First, when can I be the default boy (it always seems when I am, that things are changed), and second, why cant management go out of their way to put me in, when they seem to do so for others? Anyway, so I rehearsed, not doing a lot of lifts because of my back. Then, I dont feel like Im performing well, with a couple of mistakes. This is followed by a moment where one of the dancers is moved across 6 dancers while they lay on the floor, conveyor belt style. We have done this no problem before...but when it happens today, as she is being moved towards me, her body pitches backwards and I try to save it, but my elbow gives out...slams into the floor, and we drop the girl being conveyored (not a word) across. I was really upset because there was nothing I could do about it and Im sure it scared the dancer. After all of this mayhem, I wasnt appeased with myself, I wasnt appeased with how I looked, and I was annoyed that the 2 or 3 of us that werent performing the piece were ignored when it came to notes.

Finally, we had rehearsal for West Side Story Suite. This was ok, but tensions get really high in this piece because there are soooo many people involved. I didnt mind that though. When we got to our last 5 minutes break of the day. Another person who is in town to help set the ballet walked up to me and said, "I know management is going to kill me, but I have to give you a note on your 5 minute break." I responded "actually, that is against rules and you will have to wait until we are back from the 5." I just dont fucking understand! The two people that did this today have been around AGMA companies for ages. WHY THE FUCK CANT YOU FOLLOW THE FUCKING RULES! Im tired of people trying to bend the rules, break the rules, slide around the rules. I know its my job and I get paid to do it...and I really enjoy helping my fellow dancers, but sometimes I get so sick and tired of plain defiance of our rules. If this is what its like in the small ballet world, Im afraid what it is like in politics. Anyway, that was the straw that broke the camels back and I was pretty much done from there.

After my day finished, I was lucky enough to have good friends to walk home with to take my mind off of the day and a great BF to come home to. Im sure that tomorrow will be a better day and that Im just having my man-period or something. Im dont icing my back now and halfway done my glass of wine. It's 11 pm and Frasier is sounding good. So...Im out!

My internet patterns

I dont know if Im the only one that does this, but I have started to notice that I have a strict pattern for my time on the internet. Every morning, I wake up and check the same websites, with little variation. It is always, wake up, bathroom, yahoo email, hotmail email, ballettalk (yeah, yeah, yeah...Im a fucking bunhead), and facebook. I dont know why, but I feel like I am checking the mail and reading the newspaper. It is almost like I have replaced the typical morning coffee and newspaper with a more electronic version of the same (though I am usually drinking gatorade because I am so dehydrated from work the night before).

My post-work pattern of internetting is similar to my morning pattern, but it differs because I have more time after work, than I do before work. I get up with no more than 30 minutes to wake up, eat breakfast, get ready, and get to work. When I return from work, I need to unwind. So, I check my yahoo email(again), hotmail, aol email, ballettalk, critical dance (still bunheady), myspace (even though Ive given up on myspace), facebook, and Evite (if I have a current evite, which is more often than not). So, I check these, but if I have any more time, I find myself bored and unable to think of anything else to check on the web.

I used to have a large array of websites that I checked, but then I got a dramatic relationship, followed by a period of dating and partying, followed by a stable live-in relationship. These things seem to have taken over a lot of my time, which isnt a bad thing. Maybe, I matured a bit and got over a lot of the things I used to look at. I dont know. But, when Im bored sitting at home. I dont have any websites to check. Does anybody have any suggestions?

I even have trouble remembering what I used to do online. I find that if I need to waste time Youtube is good. I used to really be into this online game called Alien Adoption Agency. I still check that game here and there, but its more or less just to keep in touch with a few virtual friends (I know, I know...ridiculously dorky and nerdy). I used to go on all of these websites that were either shockwave movies or comedic videos, but I cant even remember what the sites were. One was Happy Tree Friends, but then they changed their format and it became lame. After that, I checked out another site with 30 second summaries of movies performed by bunnies. That was amusing, too, but they werent able to churn them out fast enough to keep my interest. Albino Black Sheep was also a favorite of mine for a long time. This was probably one of the first websites that started the viral video craze. I had a huge array of websites like this that I cant even remember anymore. The thing is that I dont even feel motivated to check out these websites anymore. I think it may be a maturity thing.

So, here's the dilemma. After I am done with my internet pattern and I have time to kill. What are some interesting websites to read/enjoy? I like games that are fun, like Jay is games. I think I need to expand my interests though...maybe like reading a blog of someone that I find interesting. Suggestions, Suggestions. Im curious what other people find interesting. Help me out.

The problem with wanting to be the best...

I feel that Im slowly confronting a realization that I dont really want to come close to. Throughout my life, I have always been an overachiever. I want to be the best at everything I do (well almost everything). And as the years go on, I have come to realize that I am not always going to be the best. Chances are that I wont be the worst, but Im also not necessarily going to be at the top. The problem with this realization is that it causes to many other issues to come up.

So, I want to be the best dancer. That clearly isnt going to happen. Nobody is really the best dancer. So, since I realized that, I decided that I wanted to be the best dancer in a large company in the US. So, I got a job with one of the best companies in the country, PNB, and that didnt work out exactly like I wanted it to. I spent my first 2 years pretty ill. There was a change in directorship and I didnt find my way until recently. I havent really moved up a whole lot, but Ive moved up respectwise, which is nice. Its just that I havent fulfilled what I would like to do with my career. So, what happens I audition for other companies, but of course, we are hit by recessions and bad timing and unsure feelings about leaving the stability of a company like PNB. So, for now, I know I cant be the best dancer where I am. Im inhibited by my facility, as well as a modest amount of roles that would let me grow into the dancer that I envisioned myself to be. So, with these problems...what is a boy to do?

With all of this said, I want to be the best at other aspects of my life. I have just started choreographing. I want to be the best choreographer. Yeah, Im relatively new, but I think that this may be a path that I can go down. I was just watching some videos on Youtube and was interested by what I saw. Although, I feel that I have a long way to go, I felt inspired. I think what I am having right now is a problem recognizing what Im trying to get across. I felt inspired, but at the same time, I felt pigeon-holed and scared. Where am I going? That is the question that has crossed my mind. So, what does this mean?

Im pretty sure what emotion I am really trying to get across in this scattered blog is that....Im scared. I havent fulfilled my dreams with ballet. Yeah, Im 25, but how much more time do I have in me? Will I be fulfilled making an awesome living, dancing in the corps...maybe even doing shit like "Court Populace" in Swan Lake with a lot of newer dancers that are younger than me? I can be the experienced one. Is that exciting enough and rewarding enough for me? Can I move on to another company and dance great roles and get great recognition? Or, will the economy hold me back...and by the time that the economy gets better and I feel stable enough financially to go somewhere else, will I be too old? What about choreography? Am I good enough to choreograph outside of dolly dinkle schools and workshops. Will I get to work with amazing dancers in amazing places with amazing companies? Could I be an artistic director for a company? How about a ballet master (even though I suck at retention and counting)? Will any of these lifestyles let me travel the world like I want to? Have I given up on myself and am I settling for something even though its not what I really want? When I retire, should I go to college and go into a completely different field(even though I dont want to) or should I keep doing dance related things? Will I get to travel the world? Can I afford to? What if I want to become a modern dancer? Would my life be as interesting as it is if I wasnt a dancer? Will people appreciate me when Im unable to dance anymore? I know I cant dance forever, but how long can I dance? Am I making a difference?

Well, I could go on asking a million questions. But, the list would probably never end. Im fearful. Thats what I am. And I think the thing that Im most fearful about is that when I look back on my life, will I feel unfulfilled with what Ive done...because life sure hasnt taken the paths that I dreamed up in my head. Maybe, Im lucky to have fulfilled so many dreams that I had, but Im feeling selfish right now. I want to fulfill each and every dream I have. Now, only...how to make that happen when it is not within my own power...