The problem with wanting to be the best...

I feel that Im slowly confronting a realization that I dont really want to come close to. Throughout my life, I have always been an overachiever. I want to be the best at everything I do (well almost everything). And as the years go on, I have come to realize that I am not always going to be the best. Chances are that I wont be the worst, but Im also not necessarily going to be at the top. The problem with this realization is that it causes to many other issues to come up.

So, I want to be the best dancer. That clearly isnt going to happen. Nobody is really the best dancer. So, since I realized that, I decided that I wanted to be the best dancer in a large company in the US. So, I got a job with one of the best companies in the country, PNB, and that didnt work out exactly like I wanted it to. I spent my first 2 years pretty ill. There was a change in directorship and I didnt find my way until recently. I havent really moved up a whole lot, but Ive moved up respectwise, which is nice. Its just that I havent fulfilled what I would like to do with my career. So, what happens I audition for other companies, but of course, we are hit by recessions and bad timing and unsure feelings about leaving the stability of a company like PNB. So, for now, I know I cant be the best dancer where I am. Im inhibited by my facility, as well as a modest amount of roles that would let me grow into the dancer that I envisioned myself to be. So, with these problems...what is a boy to do?

With all of this said, I want to be the best at other aspects of my life. I have just started choreographing. I want to be the best choreographer. Yeah, Im relatively new, but I think that this may be a path that I can go down. I was just watching some videos on Youtube and was interested by what I saw. Although, I feel that I have a long way to go, I felt inspired. I think what I am having right now is a problem recognizing what Im trying to get across. I felt inspired, but at the same time, I felt pigeon-holed and scared. Where am I going? That is the question that has crossed my mind. So, what does this mean?

Im pretty sure what emotion I am really trying to get across in this scattered blog is that....Im scared. I havent fulfilled my dreams with ballet. Yeah, Im 25, but how much more time do I have in me? Will I be fulfilled making an awesome living, dancing in the corps...maybe even doing shit like "Court Populace" in Swan Lake with a lot of newer dancers that are younger than me? I can be the experienced one. Is that exciting enough and rewarding enough for me? Can I move on to another company and dance great roles and get great recognition? Or, will the economy hold me back...and by the time that the economy gets better and I feel stable enough financially to go somewhere else, will I be too old? What about choreography? Am I good enough to choreograph outside of dolly dinkle schools and workshops. Will I get to work with amazing dancers in amazing places with amazing companies? Could I be an artistic director for a company? How about a ballet master (even though I suck at retention and counting)? Will any of these lifestyles let me travel the world like I want to? Have I given up on myself and am I settling for something even though its not what I really want? When I retire, should I go to college and go into a completely different field(even though I dont want to) or should I keep doing dance related things? Will I get to travel the world? Can I afford to? What if I want to become a modern dancer? Would my life be as interesting as it is if I wasnt a dancer? Will people appreciate me when Im unable to dance anymore? I know I cant dance forever, but how long can I dance? Am I making a difference?

Well, I could go on asking a million questions. But, the list would probably never end. Im fearful. Thats what I am. And I think the thing that Im most fearful about is that when I look back on my life, will I feel unfulfilled with what Ive done...because life sure hasnt taken the paths that I dreamed up in my head. Maybe, Im lucky to have fulfilled so many dreams that I had, but Im feeling selfish right now. I want to fulfill each and every dream I have. Now, only...how to make that happen when it is not within my own power...