Why today sucked!!!

Today really wasnt that horrible of a day, but for some reason I left work at 7 pm and promptly felt like my day sucked ass, to put it best. So, instead of trying to convince myself that it really wasnt that bad and that I was just more sensitive than usual, I've decided to write about it, whilst sipping on a glass of Riesling.

Today started at as most normal performance week days. I woke up at 945 and got ready for work. I felt that today was going to be a normal day...I was slightly tired, slightly sore, my lower back was bothering me(this isnt totally normal, but something that Im also kind of used to), and I was rushing to get out of the door on time...even though I dont have an actual time that I am supposed to leave. I just tell myself that I need to leave earlier than I am leaving every day.

I set off on my normal 20 minute walk to work and enjoyed listening to LA's Kiss FM on my IPhone's I Heart Radio application. I made it to work fine, even though I scolded myself for not arriving earlier. Oh well...normal stuff.

Finally, the true start to my day. The moment where I feel that I truly wake up every day. Company class. Peter, our boss, taught, and I was trying to mentally prepare myself for taking class with back pain. I have to take class differently when my back hurts because it can be so sensitive. I hate it when my back is sore because I feel like half the dancer that I actually am. I cant lift my legs as high as they go, I cant stay square, my turns suffer, and a lot more. Peter's class is often extremely fast. Not as in the combinations pass quickly, as in he makes us do our typical combinations at lightening fast speeds. This really hurts my back if it is already sore, so I often have to change the combinations at barre to avoid going completely out (in other words, being put on the injured list). So, class is going fine...Im dealing well. And we get to center. Peter decides to give us a lecture at the beginning of our center exercises. He tells us how it is pertinent that we do every combination that he gives us, as he gives it, in order to have the longest career as possible. He used himself as an example of career longevity and essentially shut everybody off for the rest of class. I was pretty upset by his comment. I think that everybodys body is quite different. His is suited well for ballet and can handle whatever harsh demands he asked of it. I on the other hand, have a very sensitive back. If I do too much or force something, I will shorten my career. He said that he knows best and that our "young" bodies can handle it, but I feel that this isnt true. Also, we had discussed recently how many of our classes have, well, sucked lately. And I feel that the point was completely missed. This was a bad tone to set my day.

After class, we had our second day of stage rehearsals, in preparation for the opening of our AWESOME Broadway program on Thursday (I do actually think this is a GREAT program...come see it). We started with Slaughter on Tenth Avenue. This rehearsal was rather normal. Following that was Carousel. I felt like there was tension in the air during this rehearsal. It may be that my focus was slightly disturbed because I had to, yet again let the artistic staff know that my back was hurting. I dont want to be judged and Im tired of telling them that my back hurts. I used to be the guy that was always sick. Now, Im not that...Im the guy that always has a sore back and cant do all of the lifts in rehearsal. I figured out a big part of why I am having back problems. This is no offense to any of my dearest colleagues, but I am often partnered with girls that are TOO big for me. By big, I mean, tall. Pacific Northwest Ballet is known as a company of tall dancers. The oddity of it all is that we really only have a few tall principal men, a lot of taller female dancers, and a surplus of average sized men. Since I am one of the taller men that are not tall and I am a strong partner (say what you want), I often get partnered with the tallest girls in the pieces. I think because I am dancing with girls that are not the right size for me, I end up overusing my back to execute the partnering steps. So far this season, my back has only bothered me during the programs where I am dancing with taller girls. For instance, I danced with the tallest girl in the corps during the Twyla rep, I danced with one of the tallest principal female in the world in the New Works rep, and now, in Carousel, I am dancing with somebody who is too big for me. Its frustrating because I have honestly enjoyed dancing with everybody that Ive been dancing with, but I feel like Im being looked down upon for my back problems when in any other company, nobody my size would be partnered with people of the heights that Im being partnered with.

Ok, now that I got that frustration out of the way, I can move on. So, after Carousel, we had lunch. We have many people coming in to assist us in putting on the ballets that we are performing in this program. During lunch, one decided to start hunting everyone and anybody down that she could give notes to. Being our companies union rep, I am supposed to prevent these situations from happening. Wait...let me rephrase. It is the managements job to make sure this doesnt happen and it is my job to make sure that the management is enforcing this. So, since there was no management around, I was forced to step in and stop notes from being given. I dont like this aspect of my job because it can put uncomfortable stresses upon me. Either I dont say anything and ignore my job, or I say something and have the possibility that this person is angered by me and writes me off for any potential future meetings (the ballet world is small). Lunch ends and rehearsal begins for Take 5.

Now, this is where things go horribly downhill. I have been eagerly rehearsing for this Susan Stroman ballet. I was in the rehearsals when this piece was created, told I wouldnt perform it because there wasnt time and that I would have the opportunity to perform it when it came back this year. Well, from the start this season, I was told that I was not going to perform it. With all of this said, I have been rehearsing like I am performing it, and have even performed the piece in open rehearsal. Now that it is performance week, it is typical to ignore anybody but performing casts. For some odd reason, we are rehearsing this piece. I think it is good and bad. Its good to get the rehearsal time to improve, but at the same time...I feel like utter shit that Im not being allowed to perform some featured parts, while others who have spent much less time get opportunities, seemingly by default. First, when can I be the default boy (it always seems when I am, that things are changed), and second, why cant management go out of their way to put me in, when they seem to do so for others? Anyway, so I rehearsed, not doing a lot of lifts because of my back. Then, I dont feel like Im performing well, with a couple of mistakes. This is followed by a moment where one of the dancers is moved across 6 dancers while they lay on the floor, conveyor belt style. We have done this no problem before...but when it happens today, as she is being moved towards me, her body pitches backwards and I try to save it, but my elbow gives out...slams into the floor, and we drop the girl being conveyored (not a word) across. I was really upset because there was nothing I could do about it and Im sure it scared the dancer. After all of this mayhem, I wasnt appeased with myself, I wasnt appeased with how I looked, and I was annoyed that the 2 or 3 of us that werent performing the piece were ignored when it came to notes.

Finally, we had rehearsal for West Side Story Suite. This was ok, but tensions get really high in this piece because there are soooo many people involved. I didnt mind that though. When we got to our last 5 minutes break of the day. Another person who is in town to help set the ballet walked up to me and said, "I know management is going to kill me, but I have to give you a note on your 5 minute break." I responded "actually, that is against rules and you will have to wait until we are back from the 5." I just dont fucking understand! The two people that did this today have been around AGMA companies for ages. WHY THE FUCK CANT YOU FOLLOW THE FUCKING RULES! Im tired of people trying to bend the rules, break the rules, slide around the rules. I know its my job and I get paid to do it...and I really enjoy helping my fellow dancers, but sometimes I get so sick and tired of plain defiance of our rules. If this is what its like in the small ballet world, Im afraid what it is like in politics. Anyway, that was the straw that broke the camels back and I was pretty much done from there.

After my day finished, I was lucky enough to have good friends to walk home with to take my mind off of the day and a great BF to come home to. Im sure that tomorrow will be a better day and that Im just having my man-period or something. Im dont icing my back now and halfway done my glass of wine. It's 11 pm and Frasier is sounding good. So...Im out!