Guiltless Guilt of the dancer's mind

I just got home from a most delicious dinner. Yeah, the dinner wasn't very far and it was actually completely free. That would be due to the fact that our neighbors invited us over for dinner. When we lived two floors down, we made great friends with our neighbor and were even invited over their place for dinner here and there. Unfortunately, it never really worked out timing wise for us. Now that we live on the top floor of our complex, we have made friends with our new neighbors. They invited us over for dinner tonight and made us a delicious Thai style dinner and dessert. We spent three hours less than about 20 feet away from our place enjoying great food and great company. It was a great time!

Other than that, my day was filled with questioning whether or not I was going to guilt myself the entire day for not taking class. After the mental draining conversation last night, combined with a muscle relaxer for my achey back, I found myself completely incapable of getting out of bed. When my alarm went off at 8:40, I changed it to 8:45. Well, when I woke up then, I knew it wasnt going to happen. So, I took a brief minute (long enough to figure out my schedule, but not long enough to completely awaken my mind and render me exhausted but unable to fall back asleep), and figured out what would be a good time to get up, whilst still warming myself up sufficiently in time for rehearsal. I figured it out and went back to sleep.

10:15 arrives and I am finally ready to wake up. Still kind of tired, but capable of functioning in this state. So, I waste time online and then get prepared to go to work and finally make the chilly 20 minute trek to work. I spent a little too much online and started feeling a bit rushed by the time that I finally got to work. I went into the therapy room, with my headphones on, ready to give myself a barre. I wore the headphones to appear as if I didnt notice anybody, because although I know they dont care, Im not very good at taking those jokes about being lazy for not taking class. I chuckle and make fun with those people, but deep, deep down inside, I feel horribly guilty for skipping out. I probably shouldnt feel guilty. I am a 25 year old adult and I can make my own intelligent decisions, but no matter what, I feel guilty for not taking class. Nonetheless, Im determined not to feel guilty.

I start giving myself barre in the therapy room, but something has made the marley SOOO slippery that I cant stand in any position but first. So, Im forced to go downstairs, where class has just finished and everybody is preparing to begin rehearsal. Im now surrounded by people that want to greet me, so instead of waiting for the inevitable, I just take the headphones off. Im thinking "I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS TO ME....I WAS SMART TO SKIP CLASS!" So, the first friend approaches. I start thinking of my jokingly defensive response for not taking class. "Hello. How are you?" Then they walk away. I continue where I left off, jetes. The next friend comes by and sits down. Im ready for the comment, but it never comes. Reality strikes...No one really cares that I wasnt in class. And if they do joke with me, its not because they care, but because they know that Im going to guilt myself for it, and they can chuckle.

I may never know why I feel so guilty about the rare times that I dont take class, but it must have something to do with my abusive russian training. Its one of those things that will probably come out in therapy after I have my midlife crisis at 26 (dancers enter middle life at 25, so Im guessing Ill need middle aged therapy by next year). It will come out and I may come to understand why I guilt myself, but in the end...I think that it will always be this way. I will be retired for 30 years and still feeling guilty at the age of 65 for not taking class for the past 30 years. Oy...the Dancer's Life!